Fighting against myself

I was born a sinner. New babe tainted by the sins of my forefathers

I was born a sinner. Everyday fighting to be pure. Everyday fighting against my nature

A nature designed to drive me insane, a nature structured to keep me from him.

I fight so hard against it all. I fight and fight against myself.

Every day I stare my demons in the mirror, they stare back at me taunting and laughing knowing very well they have me.

The wicked smile spreads across my face, I can feel him waking up. He wants to play a game I am fighting so hard to wash away. I want to stay close to the one I have come to love; I want to stay close to the light.

He will forgive you the demon whispers. He always forgives, that is the last thought I hear before I dive once again into the centre of my sins.

When I finally come up for air my conscious hits me and I cry out in despair.

I won’t do it again I promise myself once again and inside my demon just laughs.

He knows me well and watches me close, his had his satisfaction and is now stepping aside watching me try to build and bridge myself back to the light.

When I finally think I have escaped, when I finally think I have bridged the gap. He starts to show and puts me to the test.

The cycle begins again as I stare in the mirror, I can see a glimpse of him and I can feel him stirring, I can feel his near.

I break down and cry begging to be kept safe but he smiles at me and before I can fight I’m back in the centre of my darkest sins. I’m back in hell.

He laughs and tells me there is no escape, he laughs and shows me what I love the most. I indulge for a moment and the familiar feeling starts to creep up on me.

The guilt is consuming and suffocating.

The journey begins again, the slow journey to my salvation that’s when I realised the time apart from the sleeping demon is growing further apart. He needs longer to rest to win our battles, he needs longer to recoup from our constant fights.

A different smile emerges on my face, for the first time in a while I am playing with hope.

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